I Miss You...

So much it feels like I can't breath when I think of you. You are the only one I want to talk to. I waited all day on my birthday in hope of you calling... All of these years and never a birthday missed... Until now... Do you still read this? Do you know how badly I wish we weren't here? I think of you so many times in a day. I wonder how you are.... Are you a Mom yet? Did you have a little boy or girl? Were you scared? What did you name them? Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Do you just want me to go away? To forget all of our years? Our memories? Its like a marriage ending... You were my rock. My constant... I don't know the words to say anymore. I hope you and the baby are healthy and happy..... You will be an amazing mother and that baby has no idea how lucky they are to have gotten you for a Mom. I am here. I always will be.

I love you.

Beautiful

So I know I seem like a little black rain cloud right now, which is mostly true. But that doesn't mean I am not so bitter that I can't acknowledge one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a very long time. I am sure there is not anyone in the LGBT community that doesn't know about Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi getting married. I scooped up the People magazine with them on the cover the second I saw it. I am a huge Ellen fan and was practically sobbing when they announced thier engagement earlier this year on her show. I was enthralled with the article and the images of that day. The photo I have below is one of the most breathtaking images I have seen. To find that kind of love, that connection in another... I wish nothing but bliss for them for many, many years...

If you want to see more pics she has them on her website and a blog she wrote here and also the People Magazine article and pics here.

Spinning

I try to catch my breath as the pressure all around me continues to crush me. I cannot see it. I cannot touch it. It envelops me and consumes the air. I can’t stop it. The spinning that has forced itself on me. I can only fight to take steps forward, and try to breathe. Try to find the solution to stop it. How did it come to this? How did I lose control? I feel so much all in a moment and yet, feel empty, alone… Nothing.

This is my life. I lost control. And now, it is not only my life, my emotion, my pain that is affected. I have sucked other people into this vortex that continues to spin out of control. I am terrified. More than I have ever been in my life. The right choices, the wrong choice… They are so blurred and nothing is clear. How is it that something can feel so amazing and hurt so much all in the same instant?

My heart and my head are in a constant battle. The tears and the pain never seem to stop. And so in my head this battle, this confusion continues, just as unclear and jumbled as my words are here. I have to fix it. But the terror of it…. To lose her would be more than I can take. I feel that this will break me. I am tired of the fight. I just want to quit now…

In Memory...

I know I seem to talk about death and its large place in my life alot. This post is one of those. I wrote this 2 years ago... And now it is 7 years ago today.... I still miss him more than I knew I could. He is in my mind at least once a day, everyday.... So here it is. I hope you take something from it.

Five years ago today was one of the hardest and saddest days of my life. I received the news that one of my dearest and closest friends had been killed in a car crash. The following days would be a strange mix of large quantities of tears, cigarettes, laughter and alcohol on the journey from Charleston to Massachusetts to bury Tony....

Tony was one of the kindest, sweetest and truly genuine people I have known. He lived his life fast and hard, and really surprised no one by dying almost a month to the day before he turned 22. Tony loved life, he loved to travel and would drop on a dime to travel to a concert or just hit the road for a road trip with his friends. He was always there when I needed him and got me through some rough times before I lost him. I knew I could always count on him for anything, anytime.

I know there are only a few of you on here there had the privilege of knowing Tony, and I will be thinking of all you today as well. B, I know you were there for the whole thing. The road trip that somehow turned into a fun time - even with the destination, and the loooonnng crawl home from the going away party that is still the best party I have ever been to... I love you and D and give him a hug for me today, even though I know its still hard for him. Just a hug you and I know is from me. :O)

So, I felt it appropriate that my first actual blog be today and about Tony, to remember him and to share just a few moments of who he was and is to me and the people who love him.... For those who took the time to read this, thank you, and remember to always tell the people you love and care about how you feel about them because you truly never know when they will be gone. Do not fight over petty things that will not matter in a month. Tony dying taught me so many things, but these are the most important. I go to bed at night knowing that everyone I care about knows that, and if something happened to them or me in the morning, there would be no regrets.

In loving memory...

Anthony M. Brazil

Born: October 16th, 1979

Died: September 15th, 2001

Forever and ever in my heart.

Broken

It feels like I do alot of apologizing around here. And here's another one. I know, I know. I keep disappearing for weeks, and now months. It used to be simple to post when I was at work killing time at 3 am, but now the computer Nazis have shut down pretty much all Internet. So enough of that... I have so much to say, and have to search for the words to say it all... I have had a rough couple of months. This year has been one of the best and one of the worst of my life. I found love like I have never known, and then I lost it. I buried my grandfather. I have lost the person in the world who meant the most to me. The ways my heart has broken this year make my past heartaches seem simple....

D and I officially ended in July, which rules as the crappiest month thus far. My Papa died, the friendship I had known for so many years finally crumbled beneath me and she and I broke up. I don't know where to start... I already talked about my Papa, so guess I will tell about D and I.

It's no secret that she and I had a tumultuous relationship. Up, down, back, forth, hot and cold. But I felt it was no big, I cared and loved her in ways, but knew that she would probably end up with the ex. That all came crashing down when she wanted to end things and the love I had developed for her crept up on me and knocked the air from me. I cried for days. I am still crying. The love I felt was like nothing I had known before. It has made me question all the times I thought I was in love. My heart was shattered in a million pieces and I find it hard to breathe. I finally got it. What the songs about can't live without you, the pain people would describe. I get it. I always had it in my head that after I had dealt with so many I loved dying, that no heartbreak could compare and the people who felt that about loving someone who was still alive just didn't know what heartbreak was. I was so wrong. I would go into details, but its such a long and painful story right now that I can't. The sum of it is that we still talk, almost everyday. She began dating someone else, and I am as well (she knows I am a wreck, so don't worry, not misleading anyone.) But there is this gaping hole in my heart for her. We have had sobbing, heart-wrenching talks the last few days where she questions our end and if she made the biggest mistake of her life. I have told her I will wait. I want her to solve her past issues, and move on from her past. I want her to move on with me. And I will wait as long as she needs because I can't think about giving my heart away to anyone else but her...

I am feeling a bit drained now. Still an emotional mess so I will post again with the rest of my updates. And I will not take months to do it either.

;O)

Under Construction....

So I am toying with a new look... Don't know yet if this will be the choice or not. Working on my own design, but till then I am taking the easy road and using premade. Anywho, don't be alarmed, still Bloomer. Just some changes, hopefully for the better...


:O)

*Update... So think this is the one I am sticking with. Tweaked it a bit to my own liking. Hopefully you all like it to....

Still Kickin'

So I will start by offering my apologies for disappearing for such a long time. I have been a bit of a recluse lately and have really had nothing forming in my head as far as a blog goes so figured I would just spare everyone my whiny, life stinks banter. :O) But never fear, I still have plenty of bitter comments left in me.

Where to begin…. Not really any major changes for me lately. D and I have been up and down and all over the map. As of now, we are only friends. I don’t really see that changing anytime soon and I don’t know yet how I feel about it. It has been 5 months of an emotional roller coaster and I am definitely ready to take a break from the ride for a while. Of course the timing of our, well her, decision to be friends left plenty to be desired. My grandfather had been in the hospital for the majority of the month of June in very serious condition and subsequently he passed away on the 4th of July. It has been, to say the least, an emotionally exhausting month. He was such a great man, and while he was 87 years old, I still feel he was cheated out of years. It’s a very long story, but his wife (my step-grandmother) passed away in March and her death started a family war that took its toll on him physically. He had to get a pacemaker put in due to irregularities in his heartbeat and some other problems that were all stress related. If I could murder and get away with it, for the first time in my life I truly believe I would do it to the person who started the whole battle that I blame for taking his life. He meant more to me than I can put in words and I miss him dearly.

So that’s a brief update. As is the pattern in my life when it rains crap, it pours. So I have just hunkered down and hope it will pass sooner than later. I am going to be blogging again, and planning on some changes in Bloomer Land soon… More to come on that later... Now, I must get back to work. I know. You are jealous you don’t get to spend your Friday night a t work.

:O)